Things have been...off lately. I don't honestly know what happened, I really don't. It was just one second things were normal and the next, I was hiding away under my covers and sleeping as long as I could just to avoid everything. I get like that a lot, usually that's how I find out I'm in a "cycle", but I bounce back pretty quick. And I don't feel all these...excess feelings.
Now it's just like, I sleep so long I feel like I miss everything. And there's no one around when I'm up so I can't get caught up. And it keeps going on like this so I feel so out of the loop and that's...I hate feeling like that. I have to know whats happening almost at all times for me to feel some level of comfort. I'm anal about those kinds of things. But now I just have...no idea what's going on. So I can't jump in on conversations, because I'd only make myself look like a fool. It's something like...I imagine people saying "lol you dumbass it's not like that. where the hell have you been idiot." The people I talk to (read: attempt to talk to. I usually just make myself seem like a massive fucking idiot and make them think I'm childish) are so much older and wiser and have careers and set paths or at least are doing something with their lives. And they're so intelligent, and they all have big standings in whatever they're in. And tons of people backing them up constantly.
Then you have me.
Constantly out of the loop. I have roughly two friends who talk to me and "keep me in the loop" (I still feel like an idiot when they update me) and then......everyone is just people I admire and want to be close to but I...can't.
So I keep hiding. And keep falling further behind. And it's so bad now. I feel terrified just thinking of talking to them. I reply quick because I have to, because I know I'll end up chickening out or just making myself seem like an ass for not replying or talking. But then I keep doing it and I end up flooding things with shit no one cares about. And I feel terrible for it but I can't stop because I want people to notice me and to strike up conversations with me because I literally can't do it myself now. I essentially need someone to hold my hand and just. No one should live like that.
No matter who I talk to, I feel inferior. Completely and utterly inferior. Even with people I've known for years I feel this way, and I don't know why. Or where this came from. I think maybe it's been building up because...maybe I'm internalizing something.
I look around and I see all my friends in school, or working, or doing something with their life. And then you have me. Stuck at a standstill with no idea how to proceed or what to do or how to do it and it's just. I feel so pathetic.
I have so many dreams and hopes and wishes and I feel like it'll never get accomplished and I'll just be stuck here, alone, because everyone is gonna go off and work and study and live their life and completely forget about me.
I've seen it happen so many times that I just expect it to happen with everyone so I just wait for it, and wait for it, because I keep thinking "oh don't worry, soon they'll get tired of your whining and your negativity and your annoying habits. soon they'll go away, so just keep it up"
I have all this guilt inside me and I don't know why or where it's from and I just feel...sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry I'm not quiet, or funny. Sorry I'm dumb or don't know things. Sorry if I accidentally offend you when I do pluck up the courage to start a conversation with you, and subsequently let it die off because I don't know how to proceed. Sorry I flood dashes and feeds and everything else with my permanent whining and negativity. Sorry that if I'm not being negative, that I'm screaming over tv shows or things that are old news that I'm just finding out about.
I'm just. I'm so sorry. About everything. I'm trying to be a better person but I just...I'm so scared. I don't know how to fix myself and I really want to because I kind of care about everyone more than I do about myself and I really wish I didn't because I feel like I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and just.
Ugh I'm sorry.